im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
