Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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