Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
