Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
