The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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