i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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