Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
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Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
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