Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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