I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
