I just made out with a guy for $7.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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