I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I cut my penus on the lid.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
