remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
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i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
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Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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