my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
