So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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