I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
