so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
