I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
