birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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