When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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