I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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