My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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