I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
