k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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