she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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