Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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