when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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