Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
