Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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