My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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