I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
