I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
