We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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