Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
