i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
