I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.