My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.