Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.