Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
