What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
