get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
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Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
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whose parrot is this?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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