took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
