My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
