I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
