Apparently you make a good broom.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You made out with two different species that night
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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