I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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