it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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