I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
