3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
