ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
