Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
