Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
