Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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