Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
