I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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