Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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