made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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