Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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