shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
